Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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