you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
