Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
