Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
