there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
