so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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