I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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