i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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