my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
