Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
