The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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