its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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