I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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