there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have tasted many bathrooms
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
