So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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