Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
sex in a hospital.. check
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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