Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
