its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
