i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
