Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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