he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
