this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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