I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This is the high leading the old right now
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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