i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
