In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
