Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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