someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
