I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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