and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can't put those talents on a resume
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize