I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
