Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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