If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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