All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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