We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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