Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
