the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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