1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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