Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
