He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
