Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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