I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
