i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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