i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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