it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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