i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
