The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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