So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
