you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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