I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
