Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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