Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
