I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
