you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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