if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
