Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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