my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
