there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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