Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize