it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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