I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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